♂Welcome to my life as an Infertile Myrtle♀

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If you have come across my blog my guess is that you are searching for the same answers I have been for seven plus years. Whether it be the search to find answers to questions about Infertility, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Motherhood or simply just to know that someone can relate and cares you have come to the right place.

My journey started about five years ago when I had been through at least five doctors with the guessing game of does she have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. During a yearly check up my doctor pulled out a note pad and started writing down all of my symptoms. He then gathered his notes, looked at me and asked, ” Do you know what Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is? ”  Honestly I was a deer in head lights and clueless as to what it even meant. He proceeded to tell me what is was and that he suspected I had it. Several blood tests were done and the results came in as he suspected. There was a question of possibly having a tumor in one or both ovaries from the elevations in some of my hormone levels. The tests were reviewed by an endocrinologist who suspected the same. During this time I had no medical insurance to get the CT scan done to see if that were the case. A year and a half later I got insurance through my employment. I had one doctor tell me that I just had some hormone imbalances and was overweight. Another doctor tell me physically I looked like I had it (acne, overweight, irregular menses and the list goes on) and to avoid processed foods. the third doctor told me the same as the first and added that she could not tell me if my chances of becoming pregnant were any less or higher than the average woman. Her fix birth control. I was not satisfied with the answers. There were still many questions that remained a mystery so I went to search on. Google was my best friend on educating myself and also finding support groups through Facebook. Finally I found a doctor who did the testing. I had blood tests done and a scan. Although, I showed no signs of polycystic ovaries and I was not Insulin Resistant I was finally diagnosed! Many believe you must have cysts on your ovaries and be IR but that is far from the truth. I am living proof of that.. In August of 2010 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

During this process I became a mommy by heart to a beautiful little girl. At nine months old she came into my heart and into my life. Throughout the years she has suffered from delays intellectually, socially and the list has built since then. My daughter is a very special, intelligent, beautiful, bright-eyed child. It is from her that I have learned to love unconditionally, patience, compassion and growth. There is no one that I have ever met in my life that has as much strength as she does. Her smile continues to beam daily no matter what the day may be like. She is my sunshine. My daughter had asked me time from time to have a baby because she wanted a brother/sister. Her biological mother had blessed me once again. At eleven days old my daughter welcomed home her baby brother. Into my heart and in my arms there he laid. She finally got her wish a sibling to adore. He is two years old and counting now. Like my daughter his has some delays intellectually and speech related. It is from the both of them that I continue to grow and get my strength from. Our house is constantly filled with laughter, adventures and bright eyes. The possibilities are endless and we strive at being a loving family.

Before my son came into our lives I began to question my fertility. After six years of trying to conceive naturally with no stress there was nothing and there is still nothing. Constantly I am told that I am not grateful, except what God gave me, maybe I am wrong and that to tune out all negative thoughts about it. Once again I am facing the costs of paying what my insurance will not for anything fertility related including blood tests just to see if I ovulate. What have I done? Sure I let things just happen without stress. Ovulation tests oh sure I have only to be told that they may not be as accurate having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. If you think well has she tried this I most likely have that has been done naturally. However, I am always open for suggestions. There are days when I embrace all babies, pregnancies and conception stories. Then there are days that I cannot bare to hear one more story, attend another baby shower or have a case of the baby blues. The answer that I am searching for is the cause of my Infertility. I could ask myself why (which I have a million times) and come back with a different answer every time.

Sharing my stories, thoughts and opening up on a blog is something that pushes my comfort level. I want to be able to express my happiness, sadness, frustrations and possibly at the end of the day at least one reader can say they can relate. I have been criticized for having my two children and not feeling blessed enough. ” Why not be happy with the two you already have?,” they say and “Stop being so negative.” I am extremely blessed to be a mommy to my two beautiful children and I am complete with them. I have carried them in my hearts all along. Always have, always will, even after time stands still. In the same breath feeling a miracle grow inside of my belly is also one of the greatest blessings in life. Why do I have to choose one or the other? Can’t I celebrate the blessings of my children while grieving my infertility? If there is an explanation as to why I would have to choose please tell me. I live and breath for my children. I should be able to give life through my womb as well. Welcome to my life as an Infertile Myrtle.

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4 thoughts on “♂Welcome to my life as an Infertile Myrtle♀

    • Due to the adoption process in this situation it would be too complicated to do so. Since they are biologically my cousins we have all agreed that adoption would not be something to seek in respect to their mother. There is a permanent guardianship in place. My mother and I are raising them together:). We are very open about who is mother and who is mom. As well as my aunt knows too. It has worked out to be the best for us not to seek it at all.

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    • Awe you completely made my heart melt when I read this comment. Thank you for putting a smile in my heart. If it was not for the challenges that I face I think I would not have as much strength as I do now. I am grateful for the life lessons and journeys along the way.

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